Fear & Anxiety

I struggle with paralyzing fear and anxiety that interfere with normal functional living.  The fear and anxiety I experience, over time, has morphed into a phobia known as agoraphobia, a fear of open spaces.  Many people who know me are unaware of this fact because quite honestly, I do not talk about it; I am embarrassed and ashamed.  I used to be so outgoing and confident. So, I am not sure how I got here.  I think maybe it’s because I’ve learned nothing is what it seems, and I have yet to be able to work through it all. 

I have lived my entire life believing, for the most part, people are good.  And even those who weren’t some good could be found in them too.  I truly believed in that.  My Pappy has always called me naive, but I prefer the term, optimistic idealist.  Then I married my 2^nd husband, my high school sweetheart.   After 8 years of marriage, he tells me not to trust anyone, not even him.  Then he went on to say that everything I say is ammo, to be used against me.  If I couldn’t trust him, the man I dearly loved, then who could I trust?  I am unable to grasp that when my entire life I believed most people were inherently good.  And my learning did not stop there.

I hit rock bottom.  I got to that place of helplessness, that place you have to be in so God can actually show himself to you.  I was there.  But one of the first things I learned was that most people are not good.  We were born sinful.  That point was further driven home when Charles Stanley asked, “How many of you teach your kids to be selfish and not share?”  He was right.  We have to teach our kids to share, and we have to teach our kids empathy, to say thank you, yes ma’am, and no sir.    Wow, a revelation that I was not prepared for.

So here I am.  God’s word tells us not to be anxious, but we are to give all our worries to Him and rest.  So many times, I make every attempt to do exactly that, daily and sometimes, multiple times a day.  But I have continued to experience the same paralyzing fear and anxiety.  I found myself going to him daily asking for His forgiveness of my sins of fear and anxiety.  I regularly feel like I am letting Him down because my faith is somehow failing me and him.  That feeling has not helped my self-confidence at all. 

But I continue to press on and seek more and more in His word and through devotionals.  Today He answered.  The answer was in a Bible App that I use regularly for devotionals.  The devotional is titled, “Moving Through Fear”.  I learned that fear and anxiety in and of itself is not a sin; it’s a normal part of life.  We also have no control over the physiological responses our bodies experience as a result of fear and anxiety.  We do, however, have control over how we choose to respond to that fear and anxiety and what we do with it.  Just learning that gives me great comfort and has somewhat lightened my daily burden.

Fear and anxiety are some of those necessary evils we have to go through so God can show himself, his presence, and his love to strengthen us.   Faith is strengthened over time, each time you surrender your circumstances to God, continuing to worship and seek him with gratitude and trust in His plan, so you can see him work out all things for your good.  Each time this happens, our faith becomes stronger.  We have to move through it and persevere with his help. 

I hope in some small way that the learning experiences I share will find their way to someone who truly needs them.  God tells us that we will not suffer in vain, our suffering will be used for our good and the good of others for His Glory.